while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
