when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
