She said her name was "party"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
