Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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