Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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