a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
