please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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