theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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