I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
