What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
