I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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