I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
