just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
