i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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