On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it because I queefed?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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