Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
