An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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