You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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