people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
