Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
