i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
