we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Mom said you looked used
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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