1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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