i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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