Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
