i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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