Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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