remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
