some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
