I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize