I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
