Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
