I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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