Im at strip club and am horny
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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