the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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