I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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