My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
