It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
