i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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