I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I am puke
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
