please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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