last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize