Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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