nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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