I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
