I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
