True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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