last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
