I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
this hospital has no fireball
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
