LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
