Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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