just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
