In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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