i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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