so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
