I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
