You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
