Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
