question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
