well I can't set my house on fire every night
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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