I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize