I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
