he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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