shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
