woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
