I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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