I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
