Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
